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A while back, old pals Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino decided that it would be totally wicked to make a movie together—a double feature, in the style of the old exploitation films. And they’d call it Grindhouse, after the old theaters that used to play the films non-stop, back-to-back. Then, while pouring themselves another drink and lighting up some kind of substance—the legality of which I cannot say—they started planning.
Here’s how it would go:
They’d start with some trailers—fake previews of other movies. Then they’d go into the first movie, called Planet Terror, a retro-feeling gore-fest that will look totally authentic, thanks to hand-scratched film. It would star Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling, a go-go dancer who’s decided to hit the road. After a run-in with a military convoy leaves her bruised and battered, she finds her way to an all-night BBQ shop, where she runs into Wray (Freddy Rodriguez), an old flame who offers her a ride. But strange things are afoot, in the form of cannibalistic mutants covered in giant, disgusting boils. A few of them attack Cherry and gnaw off her leg, but things don’t seem to be going too well at the hospital. Eventually, Wray manages to set her up with a temporary leg and get her out, and they head back to the BBQ shop, where they meet up with the rest of the uninfected.
Then, after a few more fake trailers (by Rob Zombie, Eli Roth, and Edgar Wright), it’ll be Tarantino’s turn—for a movie called Death Proof. It’ll feature a whole bunch of girls—and a crazed serial killer called Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell), who terrorizes and kills women using his tricked-out stunt car.
And the whole thing would be totally killer.
Kinda. In theory, Grindhouse is a great idea. The random trailers are pretty entertaining (especially Wright’s trailer for a movie called Don’t), and the retro feel is pretty cool. You never know when the movie will skip a few frames—or a whole reel (though it’s usually when there’s a sex scene). And the scratchiness of Planet Terror just adds to the whole experience.
Planet Terror is seriously intense—with disgusting mutants and exploding fake-blood packets around every turn. It’s so intense, in fact, that, by the end, I was serious regretting munching on those Cheese Nips that I’d smuggled into the theater, in preparation for the three-hour movie marathon. Still, it was disturbingly fun—and even funny. And Rose McGowan is phenomenal. But by the time it was over, I was praying for mercy.
And, unfortunately, I got it.
Tarantino’s Death Proof is actually a bit of a drag. After an hour and a half of gunfights and explosions and splattering pustules, you’ll definitely want a break—but an hour of a bunch of chicks sitting around talking isn’t exactly the break you need. Tarantino definitely loves his chatty movies—but this one doesn’t really go anywhere. There’s a lot of random chatter, followed by a little action, followed by more random chatter, followed by the final all-out action. Believe it or not, I was actually feeling a little sleepy during Death Proof—which is pretty sad, since it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. Not only that, but the cool, scratchy retro feel in the first half doesn’t carry over as well to the second half. And considering Tarantino is a long-time exploitation film geek, I was expecting a whole lot more from him.
Grindhouse probably isn’t the kind of movie you want to take your mother to see. It’s also probably not something to see on a first date. In fact, although girls tend to kick ass throughout, it’s not much of a girl movie at all (it wasn’t much of a surprise that I was the only female in the theater when I saw it). The retro thing is pretty cool, and there are some great performances. And if you want to be able to converse with your film geek buddies, you should probably be sure to see it. But Grindhouse is mostly for the hard-core—and even the hard-core would probably do best to leave the Cheese Nips at home.
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