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Last fall, when I saw Good Luck Chuck, the best thing about the movie was the trailer that preceded it. At first, it seemed like just another run-of-the-mill torture-fest—until the title flashed on the screen. The Midnight Meat Train. My fellow film critics immediately declared it one of the best movie titles ever. And, knowing full well that it wouldn’t screen for press, we began making plans to go out for drinks before the midnight show. A midnight show of a horror movie called The Midnight Meat Train—does it really get any better than that?
Spring came and went, but the Train never arrived. There were rumors of an August release—or maybe just a DVD. When I saw that it was finally coming out, I did an excited search for theaters and found it in just one: a discount second-run theater. Why, I’ll never know—but I paid a buck to see it, so I won’t argue.
Based on the short story by Clive Barker, The Midnight Meat Train is the story of Leon Kauffman (Bradley Cooper), a struggling photographer whose artistic aspirations lead him to a dark discovery. When an influential art dealer pushes him to go deeper into the heart of the city for his inspiration, he ends up wandering a subway station late at night—and snapping pictures of a woman who’s reported missing the next morning.
Haunted by the missing girl, Leon heads back to the subway and becomes convinced that the killer is the mysterious man (Vinnie Jones) he saw leaving the station. He begins following the man, tracking him to the meatpacking plant where he works and searching for evidence (and maybe bodies) that he can take to the police.
Now, Vinnie Jones isn’t a man that I’d recommend trailing. Especially when he’s carrying a meat hook. And a giant meat tenderizer. And a really big knife. And all kinds of other butchering implements. But Leon follows him anyway—even down into the subway—and the results are (not surprisingly) bloody disgusting.
I’m pretty sure that The Midnight Meat Train is the most blood-drenched, gore-splattered film I’ve ever seen. Though there’s actually a story (albeit a hole-filled one) between all the carnage, the decapitations and beatings and bulging eyeballs and blood-dripping corpses are positively stomach-turning. Jones is absolutely terrifying as the menacing butcher—and I definitely wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley. In fact, I was glad that I didn’t have to face him alone in the dark theater (instead, I was with my critic pal David and, inexplicably, a crowd of senior citizens).
At the same time, though, I couldn’t help but see the sick and twisted humor in it all. It’s all so over-the-top that I often laughed out loud as I covered my eyes in sheer horror. There’s just so much here that’s oddly funny—a killer with a giant meat tenderizer…chases through racks of hanging meat…Cooper donning a butcher’s apron for a final showdown. Whether the laughs are intentional, I can’t say—but they’re laughs nonetheless.
Of course, The Midnight Meat Train is no work of cinematic genius. The story is full of surprises, but it’s also full of [big, gaping] holes. The performances are above average for a horror flick, but the whole thing is a bit…um…overcooked. And the gore could make any carnivore consider vegetarianism.
But while I can’t say that I’d necessarily recommend seeing it, The Midnight Meat Train definitely does its job. It’s bloody and horrifying and even strangely funny. In fact, it’s actually quite entertaining—in a seriously disturbing kind of way. So if you dig that sort of thing, this one’s worth the (low-low) price of admission.
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