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It’s definitely been a sad summer for smart family films. Usually, moviegoers can at least count on Pixar to produce some clever family entertainment—but, this year, Larry the Cable Guy ended up hijacking Pixar’s Cars 2. Now, as if to add insult to injury, Kevin James takes relationship advice from talking zoo animals in a pathetic excuse for a kids’ comedy.
In Zookeeper, James stars as Griffin Keyes, a kind and caring zookeeper who’s still trying to mend his broken heart after his girlfriend, Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), dumped him five years ago. When Stephanie pops back up in his life, Griffin is tongue-tied—so the zoo animals decide to break their code of silence and give him some friendly relationship advice.
Of course, anyone with any sense whatsoever would know that humans and animals have their own mating rituals—and that taking dating advice from lions and wolves and bullfrogs probably isn’t a good idea. But Griffin apparently doesn’t understand that—so he starts walking funny and peeing on potted plants and puffing himself up like a frog in an attempt to win Stephanie back, when what she really wants is for him to quit being a zookeeper and take a glamorous job…as a car salesman.
If you caught at least some of the seriously flawed logic in that last paragraph, you might begin to understand what an idiotic catastrophe this movie really is. The writing is an absolute mess—from the mind-numbingly predictable romantic comedy plot right down to the lame jokes. The screenwriters (all five of them) stuck to the lowest, laziest level of humor, coming up with so many tragically unfunny scenes—like one in which Griffin mocks his rival (played by Joe Rogan) because his name is Gale (which, in case you didn’t get it, is funny because it’s a girl’s name).
Aside from its penchant for childish humor, though, Zookeeper isn’t much of a kids’ movie. There aren’t any kids in it—aside from the occasional visitors at the zoo. And nothing about the story is especially interesting (or even slightly relevant) for kids. In fact, without the talking animals (who, incidentally, were voiced by what could very well be some of the most poorly-cast voice actors ever), it would have been just another predictable romantic comedy—and a pretty dull one at that.
Now, it’s no secret that I’m not a huge fan of Kevin James movies. I still go into a kind of catatonic trance whenever anyone mentions Paul Blart: Mall Cop. But even fans of movies like Paul Blart will be disappointed by Zookeeper—because the comedy is completely half-hearted. It isn’t wild and wacky. It isn’t silly and slapstick. It isn’t over-the-top. It’s just…flat. After a while, even I missed the frenetic craziness of James’s usual fat-guy-falling-down shtick—because at least it means that something is happening.
Zookeeper does have one amusing scene: when Griffin takes moody gorilla Bernie (played by a man in a gorilla suit and voiced by Nick Nolte) for a crazy night out at TGI Friday’s. And if the movie had focused more on life at the zoo—and the interaction between bumbling Griffin and the awkwardly-voiced animals—it might have been a passable (albeit dim-witted) family comedy. Instead, it’s just a lame romantic comedy with talking animals thrown in to attract the kiddies—and it’s so dull that even a hyena couldn’t find much to laugh about.
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