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The last time somebody said to me, “Oh my God, Colleen! You simply must read this book!” I was subjected to the abomination known as Twilight. So you can imagine my trepidation when I heard my friends raving about the Fifty Shades of Grey series by E. L. James. But the more I read about it, the more intrigued I became. It was billed as “mommy porn” and was supposed to be highly romantic, so I finally put my trepidations aside and downloaded all three books (the OCD part of me can’t read just one book in a series, no matter how bad the writing is). This month I’ll review the first in the series, next month I’ll review the second (Fifty Shades Darker), and then, the month after that, I’ll review the third (Fifty Shades Freed).
I’ve heard that the Fifty Shades books started out as Twilight fan fiction. Reading the series, I did see many similarities. For instance, both are set in the Pacific Northwest and feature non-descript, literary-minded brunette heroines who act as catnip to any male in a ten-mile radius. Anastasia Steele is a senior at Washington State University, majoring in British Literature. She does a favor for her roommate and winds up interviewing Christian Grey, an enigmatic and sinfully-handsome young CEO (he’s only twenty-seven years old!) who also happens to be a billionaire. Ana is bumbling and awkward, and she literally falls into Christian’s lap when they first meet.
Naturally, since Ana is the second coming of Bella Swan, Christian is instantly smitten with her and quickly becomes obsessed. This is where the “mommy porn” part comes in. It seems that Christian has rather, er, discriminating tastes in the bedroom. Ana is shocked not only to learn that Christian is a Dominant and seeks a BDSM relationship with her but also that (ever the businessman) he wants her to sign a non-disclosure agreement before they begin their relationship! We all know that Ana finally agrees to the relationship, but can she survive the pain—both literally and figuratively?
I’m going to be painfully blunt here: I hated Ana. I think I might hate her more than I hated Bella Swan (and that’s saying something). She’s an insipid, twittering waif with an inexplicable case of low self-esteem. Ana has men literally throwing themselves at her left and right (seriously, every single male she comes in contact with winds up professing their undying love for her), yet she thinks that she’s nothing special.
Ana also has a bad case of “Badboy-itis,” where the more her paramour tells her that he’s no good for her, the more she’s drawn to him. Christian is extremely flawed, and he’s the first to admit he is “fifty shades of f-ed up.” Rather than running for the hills, Ana decides that she can “fix” Christian. He really is a compelling character, though—and the best part of the book, if you’re able to look past his stalker tendencies. What drives a man to persevere as much as Christian has, going from an abused, abandoned childhood to billionaire CEO in a mere twenty seven years? Later in the series, we learn why he likes to demean and spank slim, pretty brunettes, and the answer is so predictable I called it three chapters in—which brings me to the biggest problem with this book: the writing.
James’s writing is repetitive, derivative, and not exciting in the slightest. Even the sex scenes—which set suburban stay-at-home moms aflame across the country—are uninspiring. It’s hard to get hot and bothered when you have a girl being spanked who can’t even bring herself to say the word “ass.” Ana’s idea of dirty talk is “Holy cow!” and “I start to feel all warm...down there.” Really? Really.
All in all, I’m glad I read Fifty Shades of Grey, since it gives me (an aspiring writer myself) hope. If this crap can not only get published but can also become a world-wide sensation, surely my own writing stands a chance. I always like to be up on the trends, too, so I can say I gave in to the Fifty Shades fad. I suppose it’s not too terrible a book if you’re used to reading things like Twilight, but if you’re even remotely discerning when it comes to your smut, I recommend you stay far, far away from this “mommy porn.”
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