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Dear new college freshmen:
Congratulations for successfully graduating from high school and taking it upon yourself to become one of our nation’s future leaders—which, frankly, we wish you would have done years ago because some of us are tired and ready to pass on the responsibility to others.
To help you through this very exciting time, I’ve decided to give you some Words of Wisdom that I wish I could say my great grandfather gave to me upon my departure to college, but I can’t because I’m making this all up as I go along. So you can take it for what it’s worth—about 37 cents—or leave it right where you found it (probably on the bathroom floor).
Words of Wisdom No. One: Don’t plan on coming home until after you’ve graduated and found a good-paying job, and then only to visit. The second you drove down the driveway, your parents turned your old bedroom into an office, bought a 52-inch flat screen plasma high definition TV, ordered the premium cable stations you always begged for, and changed the locks on all the doors. They have no intention of giving you a key.
Words of Wisdom No. Two: When you get to college, never admit (under pain of death) that you don’t know where you’re going. Just pick up those books, hold your head up high, and march straight ahead as if you own the place. If it works for presidents, it’ll work for you.
Words of Wisdom No. Three: If your friends find any faults in you (like eating potato salad with your fingers or digging wax out of your ears with a sharp knife), remember to blame it all on your parents. Hey, they changed the locks and didn’t give you a key. They have it coming.
Words of Wisdom No. Four: Scholarships require that you keep a certain minimum grade point average in order to keep the money flowing into your account. Find out what that minimum grade point average is and shoot for keeping your grades just barely above it. That way, you get to keep your scholarship while still having a good time.
Words of Wisdom No. Five: Don’t use all your hard-earned money for gasoline. Either walk, ride a bike, or beg rides from your friends. Begging is the most preferred option because then you’ll be able to save YOUR money for more important things like pizza and beer.
Words of Wisdom No. Six: Even though your parents have kicked you out of the house, they still want to communicate with you. Set up your email account to send automatic responses to their emails. Your parents will never catch on because deep down inside they’re scared of the computer and just barely know how to turn it on to use email. They relied on YOU to do all that computer stuff, and that should make you feel special (either that, or slightly used).
Words of Wisdom No. Seven: Even though you may still be mad at your parents for changing the locks, offer to take your dad to Florida during Spring Break. It’s probably been a long time since he’s seen an almost-naked beach babe in real life, and your reward will be knowing he doesn’t have a chance with any of them.
WARNING: Before you head off to the beach, make your father promise to keep his shirt on.
And finally, Words of Wisdom No. Eight: If you are a female college student, don’t bring home a hairy biker dude and tell your father this is the man you’re going to marry. Your father has a shotgun hidden under his bed, and he knows how to use it.
If you are a female college student, and your father IS a hairy biker dude, don’t bring home a computer nerd and tell your father this is the man you’re going to marry. Your father hasn’t figured out Windows yet, and you’ll never see your computer nerd again.
For you college guys, any girl you bring home with the intentions of marrying will be fine with your parents. They’re just grateful that someone has the courage to put up with you.
Well, that’s about it. Hope you have a good time at college. Hope you find out who you’re meant to be. And about that lock thing—don’t take it personally. Your parents still love you, just in a new “He’s gone and we have the house all to ourselves” kind of way!
