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This edition of Stolen from the Headlines covers U.S. military zombie planning, a brilliant Waffle House robbery, a woman who decided to teach her fiancé a lesson, and the latest report from Down Under.
Zombies, Chicken, and Otherwise
Originally reported by United Press International
The United States military has announced a plan to combat zombies in the event the dead rise from their graves and begin an organized attack.
Foreign Policy identified a document named “CONOP 8888,” also called “Counter-Zombie Dominance,” which addresses issues for U.S. Strategic Command planners if confronted with the walking dead.
“This plan fulfills fictional contingency planning guidance tasking for the U.S. Because zombies pose a threat to all non-zombie human life, [Strategic Command] will be prepared to preserve the sanctity of human life and conduct operation in support of any human population,” its summary reads.
The plan differentiates between “vegetarian zombies” who pose no threat to humans, “evil magic zombies,” and “chicken zombies and zombies from outer space.”
For some reason, I find the idea of chicken zombies way scary.
Pancake House Dust Up
Originally reported by United Press International
A warrant has been issued charging a Georgia man with armed robbery after the 50-year-old
suspect allegedly used a pitchfork to rob a Waffle House in Norcross.
Police are looking for Jeffery Wooten after he allegedly used the farm tool to herd employees and customers into the back room of the Waffle House so he could grab the cash register.
“When he realized he couldn’t get the cash register open, he took the whole cash register and exited the store with his pitchfork,” Norcross Police Chief Warren Summers told WSB-TV.
While he was carrying the register, Wooten dropped the pitchfork, and a woman picked up the tool and began hitting him with it. “It appears the suspect sustained some injuries from this incident,” Summers said.
Wooten later explained that the pitchfork wasn’t his first choice, but his weed eater was in the shop.
The Heather Johnson Story
Originally reported by United Press International
A New Port Richey, Florida, woman is accused of running over her fiancé twice.
Deputies say 37-year-old Heather Johnson hopped in her red Eclipse during an argument with her fiancé and backed over him. She then put the car into drive and ran over him again before taking off.
When deputies got to the scene, they found the fiancé with lacerations to his torso and what appeared to be a disfigured arm. When they caught up with Johnson, she told them that her fiancé took her keys at one point and wasn’t letting her leave. She then demanded that he, too, be arrested.
Deputies only charged Johnson with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.
We understand the wedding has been put on hold until the prospective groom heals up and is able to shoot straight.
Only in Australia
Originally reported by United Press International
An Australian man, allegedly drunk, was rescued after he climbed the Sydney Opera House, possibly in an attempt to locate his wallet.
It took officers about an hour to get the unnamed man off of the top of the building while tourists watched the scene unfold and took pictures.
“He was yelling out ‘where’s my wallet?’” a witness told News.com.au. Witnesses also reported that the man “pulled a beer out of his pants and has been pacing up and down.”
Police eventually used ropes to get the man off of the building
People have climbed the building in the past in protest, but police do not believe this was a protest climb. “A drunken guy just decided to go up the sails,” an officer told the Daily Telegraph.
“Up the sails” is Aussie speak covering, among other things, pulling a beer out of your pants.
