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Dear Christine,
My fiancé’s ex-girlfriend is like a cloud that hovers over our relationship.
After hearing about her, I can’t help fishing for more information. Then I feel the need to try to do everything better than she did. If I hear she cooked a meal well, could dance a certain way, or had a certain size diamond ring, I make it my mission to do everything better than her and have a bigger diamond or I throw a fit. I am obsessed with pointing out all her bad qualities. It has become a part of life for me.
Perhaps I’m so competitive because he broke up with her only a few weeks before we met. — OBSESSED – DAYTON, OHIO
Dear Obsessed,
Why are you doing this to yourself? What are you looking for me to say?
According to your own words, it is you who has turned her into some supreme threat. She’s his ex—you’re his fiancée. If she was so good at everything, then why isn’t he still with her? Why are you comparing yourself to her if “he broke up with her” before you even met him? It sounds like you’re having more trouble getting over her than he is.
You need to knock it off. Stop living your life based on his past relationship and start enjoying your own relationship. Have you ever stopped to think about what your insecurities are doing to him and his view of you? He’s never going to be able to truly respect and appreciate you if you don’t.
Keep up this needless jealousy, and you’ll be more like her than you’d like—you’ll be his ex, too.
Dear Christine,
My girlfriend and I have been going together for eight months. She is still friends with the last boyfriend she had before me, which doesn’t bother me too much. However, he often stays at her house…but not in her bed.
Is this common?
I don’t want to be a jealous jerk. Should I say something to let her know I don’t like it? What would you do? — DENNIS – GUELPH, ONTARIO
Dear Dennis,
No, it’s not common. And, yes, you have every right to speak up.
Remaining friends with an ex is one thing, but sleepovers are a whole other story. Why is he sleeping there? How can you be sure of the sleeping arrangements? Are there extenuating circumstances for this little game of house? I highly doubt it.
I respect that you don’t want to be a jealous jerk. But don’t be a doormat either.
No one person has the right to tell another person what to do, but you can tell her how you feel and why. Ask her how she would feel if you regularly had an ex-girlfriend as a house guest.
If she continues to have him stay over without you there, knowing that you don’t approve, then she’s not the right woman for you.
As for what I’d do, well, it’s dating people like her that keeps me “single in the city.”
Have a question, a thought, or a story to share (anonymity guaranteed)? Email Christine at: single@keynotebooks.com
