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Right now, it seems as though moviegoers just can’t get enough of two things: vampires and comic book heroes. So, in an attempt to cash in on the latest craze, studios have been digging deep into their bag of scripts to find kooky vampire movies (like Lost Boys: The Thirst) and obscure comic heroes—like Kick-Ass, Scott Pilgrim, and Jonah Hex. In some cases, they’ve managed to stumble across a hit—or at least some worthwhile entertainment. But others (like this one) have turned out to be strange and laughable disasters.
Years ago, Confederate soldier Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) decided to take a stand for what was right. As a result, he was forced to watch as General Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) burned down his home—with Hex’s family inside—before branding his face and leaving him near death.
Since then, Hex has lived the solitary life of a bounty hunter, walking the fine line between right and wrong—though not always successfully. But President Grant (Aidan Quinn) offers to clear his name in exchange for just one job. In the years since the Civil War, Turnbull has been presumed dead. Instead, he’s been biding his time, determined to take down the government—and now he’s gotten his hands on some kind of super weapon that makes it possible. With the country’s centennial anniversary approaching, he’s sure to strike soon—and only Hex can find him and save the country.
With its machine gun-toting Confederate soldiers, strange sci-fi weapons of mass destruction, and a whole host of ridiculous characters, Jonah Hex is one cheesy comic book adaptation. Granted, some cheesy action movies (like Lost Boys: The Thirst, for example) turn out to be B-movie guilty pleasures—so bad that they’re actually fun to watch. But Jonah Hex, on the other hand, is just plain guilty.
Right from the start—from the long, rambling introductory scenes—you’ll realize that you’re in for one big, crazy mess of a film. And, unfortunately, it only goes downhill from there.
You know there’s a major problem with a movie when notoriously hammy John Malkovich seems calm and collected in comparison to everyone else around him. But the rest of the characters are either laughably serious or goofy and dim-witted. Brolin’s Hex is an awkwardly crusty hero—the strong, silent, snarling type who’s constantly surrounded by bumbling idiots. His would-be girlfriend—feisty prostitute Lilah (played by Megan Fox)—is little more than a poorly-acted stereotype in a skimpy costume. And his enemies and opponents are all painfully and ridiculously incompetent.
Of course, if you’re just in it for the explosions and Megan Fox, you’ll find that Jonah Hex is perfectly adequate. But if you’re looking for anything else—like interesting characters or an entertaining story—just do yourself a big favor and re-watch Kick-Ass instead.
DVD Review:
Just as the film is lacking, so is its DVD release. If you’re looking for interesting or insightful features that provide more information about the comic book character or the filmmaking process, you’ll be disappointed—because this bare-bones release includes just three short (and completely unnecessary) deleted scenes.
