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HOLLYWOOD, CA Several Hollywood studios recently admitted that their child stars are specially bred for filming.
This child star breeding, Hollywood executives revealed, began long ago, when there just weren’t enough child actors to go around. In those days, everyone loved the shows that starred cute little boys and girls, but no one was willing to sacrifice their dish-washers, babysitters, and cow-milkers for the entertainment of others.
“Shirley Temple could be in just so many movies,” explained one studio’s child manager, who prefers to remain anonymous. “There weren’t any other kids showing up for auditions, so Hollywood had to find other ways of finding children to star in their films.”
Before long, each studio in Hollywood had set up a super-secret department to control the breeding and training of child stars. They had some success but also a number of failures. Ron Howard was a tremendous success. Danny Bonaduce, on the other hand, didn’t work out quite as well.
During the ‘80s, Hollywood discovered that the best child stars were more than just cute, smiley kids. They were pairs of cute, smiley kids. The Olsen twins, for example, were a huge success. So studios gradually stopped wasting their time on individual child stars and started breeding sets of twins.
No one knew about the breeding of these children until just recently, when one former child star began to question her upbringing. She soon realized that most of her fondest childhood memories were either stories that her caretakers told her repeatedly or mini-plays that were carefully scripted and performed by other actors at the studio.
Today, each Hollywood studio has approximately thirty sets of twins under the age of 18 living in dormitory-like apartments. Each pair was bred according to specifications and was born and raised right in the studio.
Since the US government learned long ago that it’s best to keep its nose out of Hollywood business, government officials refuse to comment—or to acknowledge anything out of the ordinary.
“If anyone tries to stop us, we can pay them off. Or we’ll send some of our very persuasive associates to convince them otherwise,” said our source. “We’re not afraid.”
Kristin Dreyer Kramer has been writing in some form or another (usually when she was supposed to be doing something else) since the ripe old age of ten—when she, her cousin, and their two Cabbage Patch Dolls formed the Poo Authors’ Club. After a short career in advertising, Kristin got sick of always saying nice things about stuff that didn’t deserve it—so now she spends her days criticizing things, and she’s much happier for it.
Since creating NightsAndWeekends.com in February of 2002, Kristin has spent her life surrounded by piles and piles of books and movies—so many that her office has become a kind of entertainment obstacle course.
As if her writing and editing responsibilities for N&W.com weren’t enough to keep her out of trouble, Kristin also hosts a number of weekly radio shows: Reel Discovery, Shelf Discovery, and On the Marquee. She’s also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (CriticsChoice.com), the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA.org), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS.org), and the Women Film Critics Circle (WFCC.Wordpress.com).
Kristin lives in Columbus, Ohio, with her husband, Paul, and their daughter, Anna. She welcomes questions, comments, and fan mail at kdk@nightsandweekends.com.
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Kristin Dreyer Kramer has been writing in some form or another (usually when she was supposed to be doing something else) since the ripe old age of ten—when she, her cousin, and their two Cabbage Patch Dolls formed the Poo Authors’ Club. After a short career in advertising, Kristin got sick of always saying nice things about stuff that didn’t deserve it—so now she spends her days criticizing things, and she’s much happier for it.
Since creating NightsAndWeekends.com in February of 2002, Kristin has spent her life surrounded by piles and piles of books and movies—so many that her office has become a kind of entertainment obstacle course.
As if her writing and editing responsibilities for N&W.com weren’t enough to keep her out of trouble, Kristin also hosts a number of weekly radio shows: Reel Discovery, Shelf Discovery, and On the Marquee. She’s also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (CriticsChoice.com), the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA.org), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS.org), and the Women Film Critics Circle (WFCC.Wordpress.com).
Kristin lives in Columbus, Ohio, with her husband, Paul, and their daughter, Anna. She welcomes questions, comments, and fan mail at kdk@nightsandweekends.com.
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