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Over the years, I’ve learned to fear party games. If I’m at someone’s house with a hundred other people I don’t know (and maybe one who I actually do know), and I see someone pulling out some kind of board game, I feel such a strong physical force coming from the game that I suddenly have to go to the bathroom – really bad – and I stay there for the rest of the evening.
Party games, your host/hostess will tell you, are designed to loosen everyone up and force them to get to know each other. That task should be left to alcohol. Party games are actually designed to embarrass everyone but the host/hostess – and to make everyone go home and regret ever attending “that stupid party.”
If you ever consider playing a game at a party, first consider the fact that you will most definitely lose. Think about how you’re a sore loser when sober, and then multiply that by the number of drinks you’ve had. Also think about your natural ability to make a fool of yourself, and multiply that by the number of drinks you’ve had. Then consider the number of drinks you’ve had and decide that it’s past time to visit the bathroom. Then stay there.
Party games always favor the host/hostess. After all, he or she owns the game and would never have brought it out at a major social function if it weren’t something that he or she had already mastered. After all, how many times have you gone to the home of the village idiot and watched him suggest that everyone play Trivial Pursuit? It doesn’t happen.
In addition, your host/hostess has already played this game enough times to know all of the answers. And if you even try to win, you’ll be thrown out of the house and never invited back (which, in this situation, isn’t all that bad).
The following is a partial list of a number of games that you should never even consider playing at a party.
TWISTER
This was a great game when you were in junior high and just wanted to get closer to that one kid who sat next to you in history class. Now, however, you’re a grown-up. Your competitors will consist of your boss, that slimy guy from down the street, and miscellaneous fat old people.
Besides, you’re getting older. It doesn’t take much to break a hip anymore.
CHARADES
This game’s purpose is to make you look as stupid as possible while everyone else laughs at you and comes up with humiliating nicknames, which they will call you at the office for the rest of your life. No one will ever really, seriously attempt to guess the correct answer. They’ll guess completely irrelevant stuff to make you more frustrated – and to keep you doing your goofy little dance for as long as time allows.
PICTIONARY
Even if you’re the greatest artist alive, the presence of a timer will cause your hurried sketches to instantly look like something straight off the wall in a pre-school classroom. After you finish drawing, your opponents and your teammates alike will point at the things you scribbled as they snicker and ask, “What was that?” in a very nasty tone of voice. Also remember that the more drinks you consumed before picking up the pencil, the more people will tease you about your attempted sketches.
PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY
If one of your friends actually wants to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey, it’s a sure sign that you need to find new friends. Leave and never come back.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT
The questions in this game were created to stump 99% of the population. This includes you. Thus, this game will continue until everyone gets tired and all answers are “close enough” or until next Thursday – whichever comes first.
ANYTHING INVOLVING MONEY
The more you drink, the more confident you are that you can win lots of money by playing a simple game. And the more you drink, the less likely you are to actually know what you’re doing.
Beware of the person who’s been serving you drinks but not drinking. That will be the same person who will ask you to make a “friendly wager” on the next game.
The preceding list is, of course, incomplete. In addition, it also includes, well, pretty much any other party game. The only exceptions to the rule are games such as Outburst, in which so many people are yelling at the same time that no one will notice that you’re not saying anything. And when someone shouts out a correct answer, you can say, “I said that! Didn’t you hear me?”
Just to recap, if someone retrieves a party game out of some closet somewhere, you know what to do, right? That’s right – head for the bathroom. Making up a family emergency is also acceptable. Or tell everyone that you suddenly remembered that poison ivy is extremely contagious and rush out the door.
If you leave before the games begin, I guarantee that you’ll have much fonder memories of the party than anyone who’s forced to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
And your dignity will thank you for it.
