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Single girls everywhere agree that there’s no worse time to be single than during the holiday season. Every year, you — and millions of single women like you — are forced to sit by and watch as happy couples enjoy the festive season of togetherness and holiday cheer. Out of pity, friends invite you along on their happy-couple outings, and you get to go sledding alone — or with your friend’s two-year-old daughter — as your married friends giggle and share mugs of hot chocolate.
And every year, you attend Christmas parties where family and friends alike repeatedly ask the age-old question: “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Do they really think that will make you feel better about your life of loneliness, you wonder, or are they purposely causing you to spend the holidays drinking yourself into oblivion, gorging on Christmas cookies, and having long, meaningful conversations with your cat?
This year, it’s time to take charge of your life! Stop letting your nosy friends and family drop-kick you into the throes of depression! Instead, follow these five easy steps and earn the respect and admiration that you deserve!
- If, at any time, you’re approached by an acquaintance who asks you about your current relationship status, tell him or her that you’ve been seeing a wonderful man who’s so madly in love with you that he’d kill for you. Sadly, though, he’ll be forced to spend the holidays in the state penitentiary.
- Take advantage of the wonders of modern technology. Carefully select a picture of an outrageously-handsome-yet-totally-unknown man (yes, that rules out Brad Pitt — remember, we’re going for believable here) and create a picture of the two of you together. While you’re at it, you might as well give yourself a new body, too. No one would be able to believe that a gorgeous man would fall madly in love with you unless your hips were a bit smaller and your nose weren’t so big.
- Hire a professional writer — preferably a talented fiction writer — to compose an impressive (yet entirely imaginary) account of your year. Send a copy of the letter out with all of your Christmas cards — and don’t forget to include the picture of the thinner-and-smaller-nosed you and your gorgeous-but-criminally-insane boyfriend.
- Reply to all holiday party invitations with the following message: “Ms. (your name here) thanks you for your thoughtful consideration this holiday season. She regrets, however, that she will be unable to attend your delightful event, as she will be spending the next two months on a secret mission in an undisclosed location.” For added effect, sign the note with the name of your fictional personal assistant.
- Lock the door to your home, put on your most comfortable sweatsuit, and spend the next two months eating Christmas cookies, drinking eggnog, and having long, meaningful conversations with your cat. It’ll be so much easier to handle the holidays if you never have to leave the house. Meanwhile, all of your friends and family members will spend the holiday season overwhelmed with jealousy and wishing that they could have an exciting single life like yours.
