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Singles are lonely. They don’t have anyone in whose life they are number one. They don’t have anyone to buy them flowers, take them to dinner, or with whom to share their intimate thoughts and dreams.
Singles are often selfish and uncommitted. If something doesn’t benefit them, they won’t do it.
Singles want to belong, to fit in somewhere. They do not make a valuable contribution to society.
Sheesh, cry me a river! I won’t name the person who said this to me because they must have been temporarily insane at the time.
There are many pros and cons of being single and living alone. Since I’m in a good mood today — and want to stay that way — from here on I’ll only mention one con: some people think there’s something wrong with us because we’re single. Or they pity us because we’re forced to go through our lives alone.
What can I say to that — except, let ’em eat their hearts out. Living solo has many benefits. What, you may ask, can you do when you live alone that the naysayers can’t?
You can strip the minute you get in the door without worrying that your spouse might have company. You can leave your underwear on the coffee table for days at a time without anyone glaring at you. Or on the dining room table if you’d prefer.
It’s your choice: is that fuzzy thing in the back of the fridge garbage that’s long overdue to be taken out, or is it a science experiment?
Read in bed, watch TV, or even eat crackers; the entire bed is yours. You can scratch anything, anywhere, anytime in your own home. I dare you to use a salad fork and then put in back right in the drawer afterward.
Isn’t it delightful to know that when you’re finished with the toe-nail clippers, they may actually wind up in place you always keep them?
The bathroom is your own personal wonderland of freedom. Go ahead, squeeze the toothpaste tube any way you like. Sing or recite dirty limericks as loud as you can. Put the toilet paper roll over or under. That bathroom mirror is gigantic, isn’t it? Toilet seat up, toilet seat down — it’s your call. You don’t have to worry about almost dying of blood loss because you used the wrong razor. You can leave the bathroom door open without the kids or your partner’s book club asking, “What’s that?”
The remote control for the TV is all yours — watch whatever you want or flip aimlessly from channel to channel without ever stopping for more than two minutes.
If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? Whatever the answer, the same goes for if you pass gas while sitting in your leather chair wearing nothing but your undies and a silly grin.
Are family, friends, and even acquaintances forever trying to convince you that you should want to be married, or you should want to live with someone? Are you starting to believe maybe you do want to live with someone?
If so, keep this in mind:
The only thing worse than wanting something you don’t have is having something you don’t want.
Have a question, a thought, or a story to share (anonymity guaranteed)? E-mail Christine at: single@keynotebooks.com.
Originally published in The London Free Press on December 12, 2002.
