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*Sleep*
In many cases the evaluation process is so automated that this will
not be detected.
You will discover clues that it’s over and time for you to
sign. You may notice a
lot of paperwork pushed toward you, along with a pen.
That is a strong indication it
is done for another six months to a year. You
must now awaken sufficiently to write
your name. Come on. Do it for the kids.
*Play oldies in your head*
Something good and loud with a nice beat. If you
can still hear someone talking,
change songs. A few of my personal favs
are ‘Burning Down the House’ by The Talking
Heads, the Stones’ ‘Heartbreaker,’
and the Righteous Brothers’ version of ‘Ebb
Tide.’
*Pretend you are a British prisoner of war who is being
interrogated by a
Japanese commander during WWII* You might say, mentally, “You do
understand,
old boy, that I’m going to need some tea.” Then when the commander
points a gun at your head, you might mentally retort, “Not very sporting of you, is it,
chap, when I’m unarmed myself?”
*Time how long you can hold your
breath* Use your watch or the convenient clock on the wall for accuracy. By
hyperventilating a bit first, you might be able to hold out all the way through the topic
of how well you accomplished your major work objectives.
*Give yourself
an insulin injection* Just pull up your shirtfront, or roll up
your sleeve, and jab
the needle into your flesh. There’s something ritualistic about hypodermics, and your
boss may pause in her recitation of your qualities to allow you to retract the syringe
and dispose of it safely. Even if she doesn’t, tell her you’re still listening, and
encourage her to continue with your evaluation. In the unlikely event that you don’t
take insulin on the job, take out your pill holder with its compartments-by-date, and
fill it up with your tranks, anti-inflammatories, and hallucinogens for the coming
week.
*Fantasize sexually, and touch yourself under the table* Actual work
was never
this exciting.
*Pretend you are on trial for the murder of
Nicole Simpson* Suddenly the glove
is introduced as evidence. Smirking, you try it on
without fear.
*Look out the window and check the weather* Now touch the
desk in front of
you. Feel how smooth and cool it is. The world is full of wonderful
things that
have nothing to do with work.
*Stick your hands deeply
into your pockets or purse* Now, without taking them out, count your loose
change.
*Plan your lunch hour and evening’s activities* After a day like
this you’ll need to treat yourself to something special and unwind fully. Pizza, beer
and methadone sounds like a real possibility.
*Balance your checkbook
and/or pay bills* Mix these in with your evaluation forms and no one will be the wiser.
Your grunts and frowns over overdrafts will appear to be zealousness for the job.
*Ask for a week off* Complete the written request form then and there.
Think about what you could do in all that time if you had money.
*Mentally calculate pi to at least 6 decimal places* If that’s too hard,
see
how many people’s phone numbers you know by heart.
*Recite
history* For example, list in your head the main events leading up to
the American
War of Independence. Even you must know a few.
*Cry or become ill* Do
not, however, give signs of intoxication or of being
high. Tears are fine, even
hysterics, if you’re the type. Moaning and vomiting are also acceptable, but definitely
to be displayed with discretion are
such behaviors as slurred speech and euphoric
laughter.
*Scratch your scratch-off lotto tickets* Place the losers in a
neat pile on the desk before you. If you win, say loudly, “Oh my god, I won!” Repeat this
outburst over and over.
*Eat* The more elaborate the meal, the better. If
your evaluation is during
the morning, explain that you missed breakfast, or if in
the afternoon explain that you didn’t have time for lunch.
*Read the
Bible aloud* Every so often, hum a gospel song with feeling deep as
a river.
*Take a personal inventory of your physical fitness* Start with each limb
to see if it still moves, then each finger and toe. Don’t overlook your neck and spine.
Test each for suppleness. Finally see how many individual muscles you can flex at
will.
Whatever you do, your boss probably won’t mind. She has at least
ten of these employee evaluations to get through, and nothing is going to hold her up. In
fact, it’s wise for you to sign yours without reading it, once you are certain you’re
not being fired. That way, it’s back to your cube as soon as possible to get on with
that novel or computer game you’ve been working on.
