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Dear Christine,
My
girlfriend and I have been dating for over five years.
I welcome her
into all areas of my life with open arms. She admittedly has problems sharing her
friends, family, and life with me. She says it’s an intrusion on her
independence.
It took two years for her to introduce me to her family, and
she still rarely invites me to their functions. Since she works with mostly women, she
says staff parties are for ladies only. However, one day when I picked her up from her
office, I overheard her co-worker comment how she and her boyfriend were hung over for
two days after the last staff party.
She tells me white lies because she
“doesn’t want to upset” me, which makes me trust her even less. Is this relationship
worth saving? What should I do? — OUT OF THE LOOP – AUSTELL,
GEORGIA
Dear Out Of The Loop,
In the beginning of
relationships, many of us are leery of our worlds colliding. It’s quite common to keep
work, family, friends, and lovers compartmentalized—at first.
Who’s to say
when it’s right to let the boundaries down? But it is safe to say that it should be
somewhere before the five-year mark.
You have to put your foot down. Tell
her it’s all or nothing. Either you’re her full-time boyfriend or you’re
gone.
It’s not a matter of invading her privacy; it’s a matter of sharing
your lives. The relationship is only worth saving if she’s willing to allow it to
evolve.
Dear Christine,
My six-month
relationship with Carl was fantastic until recently. I credit your column with helping
give me some of the tools needed to develop our relationship to this point. However, I’m
in the midst of a streak of bad luck, including the loss of my job and a dreadful move,
followed by depression.
Carl has been avoiding talking to me, especially
about my problems. Our relationship is all I can think of, yet he isn’t there for me. I
feel so insignificant. I love him, and it breaks my heart to see our love fading like
this. — SHERRI – LONDON, ONTARIO
Dear
Sherri,
With all the turmoil in your life, your first concern
shouldn’t be Carl but what you can do to reclaim power over your
life.
Carl could be staying out of your way so you can get your life back
on track. Or perhaps he’s overwhelmed by your need to be rescued from your grocery list
of problems.
No one can fix our lives for us when things go wrong. It is,
however, reassuring to be able to vent and discuss possible solutions. Try doling your
problems in smaller doses and spread them out between friends, family, and perhaps a
counselor.
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. If you’re
lacking an inner sense of security, you can’t be part of a solid relationship. Take
charge of your life first. Then you can work on your relationship.
Once
your life is sorted out, Carl will appreciate the strong woman that you are. And if it
isn’t meant to be, you’ll be fine because you’ll have found the inner strength to take
care of yourself.
Have a question, a thought, or a story to share
(anonymity guaranteed)? Email Christine at single@keynotebooks.com
