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Dear Christine,
My girlfriend and I have lived together for three years. It was rocky for a while, but things have settled down recently.
The problem now, however, is that she has gained 20 pounds, if not more, and I’m no longer attracted to her. She wants sex all the time. The fact I am 17 years older is probably a small factor in our difference in sex drives, but her weight is the main problem. My favourite part of a woman’s body is the tummy (flat and smooth, like she had when we met). Her belly is so chubby now, I try not to look when she gets undressed.
Before you say anything about me being shallow, I have lost 20 pounds while trying to keep myself attractive.
I’m looking at sexy thinner woman a lot more these days. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t know what to do. — JIM – LONDON, ONTARIO
Dear Jim,
If you’d said you were a little less attracted, I’d say this was common because it’s quite normal to get “comfortable” in a relationship. We spend more time on the couch than we do going out and being active. I would recommend that you suggest activities to boost your metabolisms and help you stay fit and energetic. I would ask how you lost 20 pounds. Then I’d say you could ask her to “help you” by going on the same diet or joining a gym with you.
However, since you say you’re “really not attracted to her” anymore, I think this is about more than her weight.
You admit to having a history of problems. Are you sure you’re not just looking for problems? If there’s always something wrong, maybe you just aren’t right for each other. Maybe she’s gained weight as a result of depression because your relationship is always so volatile.
As for your assumption that I would think you’re shallow, perhaps that’s a projection of your guilt. I just hope she isn’t so shallow that she’s more attracted to younger men…the way you’re more attracted to thinner women.
If the weight is important enough to overshadow all attraction to her, perhaps she’d be better off if you bought her a box a chocolates as a parting gift—then you can get out of her life and stop scrutinizing her so much.
Dear Christine,
I’m a gay man and my boyfriend verbally and occasionally physically abuses me. It’s embarrassing. How can I admit that I’m being hit? It’s not like I’m a wimp or anything. I’m taller and weigh more than him, but I’m not the violent type.
I don’t know how I ended up in this position or how to get out. Help! — BATTERED IN BRAMPTON
Dear Battered,
Please stop feeling embarrassed or guilty about this. Whether it takes place in a same-sex or heterosexual relationship, abuse is abuse, and it’s not your fault.
The Gay Partner Abuse Program offers a free, confidential support group for gay and bisexual men in your situation. I hope you’ll call (416) 876-1803 to speak with a counsellor or leave a message. The program’s website is at www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org.
Have a question, a thought, or a story to share (anonymity guaranteed)? Email Christine at: single@keynotebooks.com
