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Dear College-Bound Students:
Congratulations for successfully graduating from high school (without showing too many ill side effects) and taking it upon yourself to become one of our nation’s future leaders — which frankly we wish you would have done years ago because some of us are tired and ready to pass on the responsibility to others.
To help you through this very exciting time of your life, I’ve decided to give you the Words of Wisdom someone should have given me before I left for college. You can take it for what it’s worth — about 37 cents — or leave it right where you found it (probably on the bathroom floor). Either way, it’s up to you.
Words of Wisdom No. One — Don’t plan on coming home until sometime after you’ve graduated and found a good-paying job. The second you drove down the driveway, your parents turned your old bedroom into an office, bought a 52-inch flat screen plasma high definition TV, ordered the premium cable stations you always begged for, and changed the locks on all the doors. They have no intention of giving you a key.
Words of Wisdom No. Two — When you get to college, never admit (under pain of death) that you don’t have a clue where you’re going. Just pick up those books, hold your head up high, and march straight ahead as if you own the place. If it works for presidents, it’ll work for you.
Words of Wisdom No. Three — If your friends find any faults in you (like eating potato salad with your fingers, or digging ear wax out of your ears at the dinner table), remember to blame your parents for not teaching you any better. Your parents aren’t around — and besides, they changed the locks and didn’t give you a key. They have it coming.
Words of Wisdom No. Four — Scholarships usually require that you keep a certain minimum grade point average in order to keep the money flowing into your account.
Find out what that minimum grade point average is and shoot for keeping your grades just barely above it. That way, you get to keep your scholarship while still having a good time.
Words of Wisdom No. Five — Don’t use all your hard-earned money for gasoline.
Either walk, ride a bike or beg rides from your friends. Begging is the most preferred option because then you’ll be able to save YOUR money for more important things like pizza and beer.
Words of Wisdom No. Six — Even though your parents have kicked you out of the house, they still want to communicate with you.
So, set up your email account to send automatic responses to their emails. Your parents will think you’re sitting in your room just waiting for their emails, and not have a clue that you’re out doing all those wild things college students do but have sworn never to divulge (and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, then forget I even mentioned it).
Words of Wisdom No. Seven — Even though you may still be mad at your parents for changing the locks, offer to take your Dad to Florida during Spring Break. It’s probably been a long time since he’s seen an almost-naked beach babe in real life.
(And your reward will be knowing he doesn’t have a chance with any of them.)
WARNING: Before you go, make your father promise to keep his shirt on.
And finally, Words of Wisdom No. Eight — If you are a female college student, don’t bring home a hairy biker dude and tell your father this is the man you’re going to marry. Your father has a shotgun hidden under his bed and he knows how to use it.
If you are a female college student, and your father IS a hairy biker dude, don’t bring home a computer nerd and tell your father this is the man you’re going to marry. Your father hasn’t figured out Windows Vista yet and you’ll never see your computer nerd again.
For you guys out there, any girl you bring home with the intentions of marrying will be fine. Your parents are just grateful that you’re not gay and that someone has the courage to put up with you.
Well, that’s about it. Hope you have a good time at college. Hope you find out who you’re meant to be. And about that lock thing: Don’t take it personally. Your parents still love you — they just prefer to love you from a distance.
