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It’s almost a scientific fact that a man who owns a truck lives seven years longer than a man who does not own a truck. A man with a rifle rack in his truck practically lives forever. I know all of this because it’s common “guy knowledge.” I’m a guy, and I’m as common as they get.
Men need trucks because they have a natural-born instinct to haul stuff—like trees, broken-down lawnmowers, and tremendous amounts of butt (when the need arises). The act of hauling makes a man feel useful; makes him feel like he has a purpose. A man without a truck can’t quench that thirst to haul, and he eventually withers away and dies a cruel death in a minivan.
I’ve known many men who didn’t own trucks, and they were a pathetic sight, to say the least. They seemed lost, unfocused, distracted, vague about specifics, and constantly afraid that their riding lawnmowers would blow a rod, and there’d be no way to get it to the shop without begging someone for help.
(For a man, the only thing worse than death is having to beg another man for the use of his truck. Men would rather have their tongues ripped out and devoured by a pack of wild hyenas than to do it. And that’s the absolute truth. I’d never make something like that up, nosirree!)
It’s easy to spot these sad truck-less guys in a crowd. They drool at the sight of another man’s truck; they cry at monster truck rallies; and they can’t say the word “Dodge” or “Ford” without a little quiver in their voice.
When you see one of them, you can’t help but have the urge to approach them, look them in the eye, and tell them to “man up” and buy a 4X4 with big knobby tires. You want to tell them that a truck will fix all their cares and woes, that it can make blind men see and lame men walk, but you don’t because a man without a truck is still a man, and men don’t take kindly to hearing advice.
So, to help out, I’ve put together these Five Reasons for Owning a Truck. You can print this out, make several copies of it, and, whenever you see one of those sad guys in the supermarket, drop it into their basket when they’re not looking. They’ll be forever grateful.
1. Trucks save you money. When you own a truck, you can load that broken-down lawnmower in the back, take it to the shop to get repaired, and then bring it back home so you can continue mowing. Without a truck, you end up leaving it exactly where it broke down, and eventually it’s covered by so many weeds and vines that your neighbors think you’ve planted some kind of new shrubbery. In the end, you have to buy a new lawnmower.
2. Trucks attract members of the opposite sex. When you own a truck, you exude the image of a person who can do just about anything—which is exactly what women are looking for in a future husband. And what does a guy look for? A woman with a truck. You already have something in common, and you can haul twice as much.
3. Owning a truck means that you will never be without friends. There are a lot of sad non-truck owning people in this world, all in desperate need of a GMC or a Tundra. Yes, the only reason they enjoy your company is because you have a truck, but who cares? They’re still around, and that’s all that matters.
4. Trucks can pull campers and boats. Without a truck, there’s no use in even dreaming about such luxuries. With a truck, everything is possible.
5. You can take a truck muddin’. Need I say more?
I own an old F-100. I’m not sure how many miles per gallon it gets because it has a few problems and mostly just sits in the driveway. But whenever I get that hauling urge, I throw something in the back and immediately start feeling better. I calculate that, by the end of January, the back of my truck will be totally full, and I have no idea how I’m going to haul all that stuff away.
I don’t suppose you’d let me borrow your truck?
