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BOGOTA, COLUMBIA The International League of Coffee Suppliers (ILCS) met on Thursday to discuss their next action steps—and how these steps may affect the future of the United States.
Members of the ILCS grow, harvest, and prepare coffee beans for a number of countries throughout the world—including the United States. And, at this fall’s quarterly meeting, they spent much of their time musing about just how much they could get away with as far as Americans are concerned.
After all, Americans are addicted. Each morning, they race to the nearest drive-thru window, queuing up in lines that go on for miles. They line up by the coffee makers in office buildings everywhere, inhaling the aroma coming from the Dripping Basket of Goodness. They shake nervously, silently, fearful of what they may accidentally say to a coworker before getting their first hit.
Each afternoon, businesspeople gather in coffee shops to go over business plans and contracts, gulping down cup after cup of the hot liquid, becoming more and more excitable the more they drink.
Each evening, college students everywhere grasp desperately for their next pot of coffee, hoping that it will give them the energy (and the brain power) they need to finish that paper.
Ceramic coffee mugs with witty sayings on them sit on desks everywhere, and their owners fill, empty, and refill them all day, as if their lives depended on it.
And they very well may.
You see, Americans have allowed themselves to become physically, psychologically, and emotionally attached to the bitter brown substance. They can’t do without it. They shake. They become violent. They fall asleep.
For that reason, ILCS is currently considering whether or not they should take advantage of their addiction. Several members have suggested quadrupling prices. Others have suggested withholding coffee shipments until Americans give them certain political advantages, weapons, or possibly their very own Disney theme park.
An ILCS committee has been formed to research future steps. A final decision will be made at the winter meeting, which will be held in December. Many believe that withholding coffee during the holiday season will prove to be even more effective and will lead to their demands being met in a more timely fashion.
It’s uncertain what will be decided during the ILCS’s winter meeting, but those of you who have a particularly formidable addiction might want to consider stockpiling, just in case.
