0
0
Dear Carnival Cruise Lines:
I just had to write to tell
y’all how much fun we all had on board the Carnival
Victory. Man, oh man,
that sure was a purty boat. We was a little nervous
about leavin’ the trailer park
and takin’ one of these big boats with all them
high-falutin’ folks, but there
weren’t nuthin’ to get ruffled about.
The young’uns sure had a good
time. Camp Carnival, Camp Carnival. That’s all
we heard about. Send your
young’uns to Camp Carnival. Hell, so what if
there’s a video game contest, and no
one shows up to turn on the video games for
the kids? My young’un was disappointed,
but I tole him to tuffin’ up. Just
because he waited two days to play in this thing
and made a point of bein’
where he was s’posed to be at the right time, don’t give
him no right to fret,
dagnabbit.
And my other young’un. We had to
interrupt our vittles to get him to some gawl-
dang Camp Carnival ice cream makin’
party he was waitin’ all damn day for. And
then when we picked him up, he done tole
us he didn’t get himself no ice cream
because whatever they did to make the ice
cream didn’t work and the ice cream
was all runny. He didn’t need no ice cream,
anyway, the varmint. Gittin’ too
big for his britches, what with ice-cream makin’
parties and all.
And the night the man two cabins down beat up his girl,
well, that was just
more fun than should be legal. With her in the hall cryin’ and
the po-lice and
security officers, I just felt right at home. Nothin’ like a good
beatin’ to
set a body straight, I always say. He said she pulled off his neck
chain, and
she said he beat the bejesus outta her. I just happened to be out in the
hallway when all this was goin’ on, comin’ back from fetchin’ the young’uns’
swimmin’ drawers from the washroom. I only wish the young’uns were with me so’s
they could have seen and heard all the yellin’ and screamin’ and cryin’.
Yessiree, Bob. Just like home.
I sure did like that pool deck. What
a great place to set a spell and watch
folks. So what if the chairs were so close
together you had to crawl up from
the bottom ’cause there weren’t no way to move
’em side to side. So what if
there weren’t no place to put your cocktail or your
Jackie Collins
novel, ‘cepting on the chair next to you, but that guy sure didn’t
‘ppreciate
me puttin’ my stuff on his chair. Why, as I was hangin’ on to my
cocktail so it wouldn’t spill, I’ll be
danged if an argument didn’t break out
right in front of me-some guy yelling at
some woman he didn’t know ’cause he
thought she was accusin’ him of tryin’ to
steal her deck chair. Hoo wee – I felt
like I was settin’ right there in my own
parlor watchin’ Springer on the
tee-vee.
The ce-ment ponds were right nice, too. Little squares
(three-count ’em-three)
filled with water with so many young’uns in ’em all a body
could do was bob
around. And the big water slide. I don’t think anyone paid any
mind to
waitin’ 45 minutes in the blazin’ hot sun to take a ten-second ride down
the
water slide.
Some of those ladies were right purty. Why, I was
just in awe over the woman
who got on the glass elevator in that there atrium with
her hubby. She had
herself a can of Michelob Ultra she was swiggin’ from – she
didn’t need no
glass. And I ain’t never seen no one who could put three fingers in
their
mouth and pick their teeth and talk at the same time – without spillin’ the
hooch-
like she could. I tole myself as soon as I got back to the trailer park, I was
gonna splurge and git me a pair of flip-flops with them great big pink plastic
flowers on ’em, just like that purty teeth-pickin’ lady had.
And I
met a real nice fella who paid me a right nice compliment. He said I was
something
called “bawlsy.” I ain’t too sure, but I think it means lady-like or
some such. I
think he was from Noo Yawk, and I cain’t never tell what them
Yankee folks are
sayin’. I saw him again the next night, and I got so excited I
tole my husband,
“Hey, that there’s the guy who said I was bawlsy.” But when
he turned around to
look, the nice man was gone. He sure did get outta there
fast. Musta had an
appointment or somethin’.
Anyhoo, I just thought I’d tell y’all a li’l
bit about our vacation. The food
was great and all the staff was just as nice as
pie. But, you know, it’s the
passengers that make or break the trip. And don’t
you believe it when someone
tells y’all that budget cruises attract budget people.
It just ain’t true.
